11 March 2009

Derek Sedam in... The Basketbachelor

Welcome to The Basketbachelor Season 1. Our bachelor, Derek Sedam, has become a depressed wreck after these years of disappointment by his Los Angeles Clippers. After last night's 4th quarter comeback by the Cavs (led by the object of Rather Red's nut-sucking: LeBron James), he has decided enough is enough, and Derek and the Clips have officially broken up. It's all but Facebook official.
So Season 1 begins. Thirteen teams have been chosen from the NBA. They must fulfill, and continue to fulfill, the following requirements (as modeled after Bill Simmons EPL league team-choosing requirements)
1. Avoid "jumping the bandwagon" (Cleveland, Miami, and Boston are out, Orlando barely makes it in)
2. Avoid a team that's too tortured (that would make this exercise pointless... so Sacramento is out)
3. Gravitate towards vacay spots (points for New Orleans and Orlando, detriments for Minnesota and OKC, Detroit is out)
4. Not too many "hooligans" (This is fine because the Blazers are no longer the Jail Blazers)
5. Pay attention to celebrity fans (Freddy Muniz is a Clippers fan, part of the reason for Season 1)
6. Pick a team that might get on TV from time to time. (Points taken away from OKC and Memphis)
Phoenix and the Lakers are already taken. The Warriors and the Sixers are out because they are cock blocks. The Spurs, Mavericks, and the Rockets are ugly and from Texas. So here are the contestants...
The Orlando Magic (led by their sexy big man, Dwight Howard)
The Atlanta Hawks (young and agile... in bed)
The Indiana Pacers (Granger can shoot in my basket anyday)
The New York Knickerbockers (so much potential, and very exciting... wink wink)
The New Jersey Nets (Jay-Z is married to Beyonce, but his Nets are single and looking)
The Toronto Raptors (led by Chris Bosh and his dinosaur-sized manhood)
The Utah Jazz (so good at home, so good in bed)
The Portland Trail Blazers (we all winced when hunk Rudy F. went down)
The New Orleans Hornets (cute Chris Paul looks to steal Derek's heart)
The Denver Nuggets (the addition of Chauncey was like a successful boob job)
The Minnesota Timberwolves (Al Jefferson needs to be nursed back to health)
The Oklahoma City Thunder (they have a reputation of bolting from relationships)
The Memphis Grizzlies (grizzly men... along with USC college sweetheat OJ Mayo)

Let's get it on!